Lily Child

Sugabop!

I can't believe I am writing about this. But fuck, its my LJ and if I want to fill it with trash, so fucking be it. Its important me. and its MY journal. Goddamnit. 

I <3 GAARA. 

 
Everyone needs to have some sort of obsession.
 

Cheerio'!

So tomorrow is a special occasion. Tomorrow is my school formal/prom/whateverthehellyouwanttocallit



btw, my nails are fucking awesome

Loves to all, 

Lily 

(who has made it to 16, with relative health and sanity.)

Pop goes the weasal!

Or mongoose in my case. 

So, my last few days has been shit.

And I was talking to my friend Jess, from Grade 11. 

Wait before that, I should probably start from the begining so it makes sense. 

So I have been on exam block, not the best time for Grade 12s. Never is a good time for any student, but I had a epiphany the other day about my life and I realised my mother, out of realised fear or not, has completely fucked me in so many more ways than I knew. She has made me hate everyone... mainly because she is afraid that I will go the same way my sister when and get myself killed the same way as she did, which was saving her half-brother's life. Consiquently she doesnt want me to love anyone, nor have a self-sacrificing bone in my body. According to her: Love is a lie, men are idiots, friends will stab you in the back and no one is worth caring about. Unfortunately she's done it too well, I dont even trust her. 

Couple this with my exam and we wonder I am feeling so shit?

So I had managed to push most of it away. Most of it. 

And this is where Jess comes in. 

Jess comes from Brunei and is the awesomest person ever. But she knows alot of funky people with funky powers and due to her inability to say no if it makes someone happy (which I feel so guilty about) I asked her to use some of her own funky powers to remove some of my misery which she said she can do. It took me awhile to realise she was doing it, it was actually when I started crying for no reason (when I was reading a happy FF no less!) that I knew she was. 

It was the strangest feeling, my heart was beating irregulaly, but it felt like it was constricting at the same time. It was bad but it wasnt good either. I can't even explain it properly.

She said I had so much misery inside of me she didn't even realise. (I am partially proud at the fact I can mask it that well!) She even saw one of my memories, apparently it was all in dots of colour, like those Serate(think that is the right guy) paintings. Dots of Blue (the colour of my dads eyes) Red (his shirt) and Green (his shorts). It was from christmas, when I was small, back when he actually came and saw me).

She started crying at the amount of misery I have. 

It scares me though, I am a firm believe of stuff like that, I am Wicca after all. I have had weird stuff done to me before, seen the world in ways most people don't, but that has just been me doing stuff. It was never like that. It was... 

Gah... 

But right now its all dragged up and I feel like my heart is slowly bleeding it all out. It felt like the first time I was in love (which was one of the worst things ever, because I found out later he was using me).

Later all, 

Lily.

Oh and if anyone wants to think alot read How & Why by randomsomeone. Its GaaSaku, but it is one the fics I ever read. Its in no way cliche as alot of fics in that pairing are. It makes you think. Thinking is good. 

I didn't even realise I was carrying that much misery. I knew it was pretty bad, but I always thought my life wasn't that bad.

Pop goes the weasal!

So I haven't Indiana Jones 4 yet. Which is terrible because I want to so much. Indiana Jones is my childhood. Want to know what makes me love history so much? There is part of your answer. 

Fuck I love history.

Since I don't have much time and I really felt like I had to write something because I have sorely neglected this for awhile. So here is my everythings for the past few weeks. 

1) My exams are coming closer, exam block officially starts on Fri. But I don't have exams on Fri so I get the whole day to myself. I think I will go for a walk somewhere. Cause sometimes you need something to yourself sometimes right?  I will stay the day in the boarding house like a good little girl, and study hard like I should.

2) Due to my hatred and depression of myself I bought a self help book that I was suggested by my friend, Cam. Its called 'The Artist's Way' Truthfully I haven't been doing it properly because I barely remember what I look like anymore, let alone do that activities.

3) I am going to fail history I swear it. I dont understand anything. Stupid Vespasian. Stupid Caius Marius. I love you bother, you are very interesting but FUCK HOW THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO WRITE ABOUT YOU WHEN SECONDARY AUTHORS MAKE IT SO CONFUSING ALL THE TIME!!! CAN'T THEY JUST SAY 'and Marius, due to be the new man with out the patronage, twisted the Tribunate, in the same way as the Gracchii' FUCK!

4) I went to my friend and hugged her and asked her to remind me what I was, and she told me pretty surface things, which is fine I suppose, because I don't think she knew what I meant when I asked, and I just wanted contanct from another person. It took an Epiphany (from a FanFic no less) to make me realise what I truly wanted. I want absolution. I want someone to tell me that nothing that happened was ever my fault, that I have a rite to be alive instead of my sister. Gah, so many conflicting things to feel. 

5) I got a second LJ icon thing. Cause I understand Gaara. And he is the smex. Love Gaara, because you know you want to. 

6) I got a new journal layout, because I thought the other one was too... I dunno... presumptious? I just want to write my feelings with no fancy detail. So I picked something plain and bland... and a bit more like me, I think. I will probably change. Due to my volatile nature.

Well thats all that has happened in the past few weeks in short. My eyes are tired, but my heart is happy. Stange contentment I suppose.

And as my art assignment is teaching me, I treasure it all the more because I know its going to fade. 

Loves to Candy, Rene and Ama. Cause you guys are love. 

Wish me luck because tomorrow I have Vocal Soiree in which yours truly is singing 'Worst Pies In London' and a duet 'A Little Priest'.

Pop goes the weasal!

Writing after a break. I haven't had much time since last entry, its been pretty full on with everything...

So the wedding wasn't was as bad as I thought it would be, I drank way too much and had a killer headache for about two days later. Ontop of that I sprained my ankle again, it swelled up and went yellow with bruising, still is for that matter. But I kept dancing anyway, a couple of vodka shots took care of the pain for me :D I also met my cousins boyfriend, who is rather good looking and has been playing piano for fifteen years. 

In other news, I had my Drama Practical. We had to present a piece of Breachtian theater, that, for the unknowing, is socio-political theater, developed in WWII. Basically we pick a message about the world and alienate the audience with it. My groups was 'School Yard Bullying Is Just A Phase' which we proceeded to proove wrong (which is what we wanted to do), starting off with just some small children picking on each other, then we moved onto the business, in which I had my crowning performance as I had to be a woman that slept her way to the top, cept, it was really awkward cause its an all girls school so I had to hit girls pretending to be guys... (and I was saying things like 'I love that shirt on you... but you know where it would look better? My bedroom floor) anyways, we made it out like a video game, then the top boss was Gay. Game Over. Haha. Everyone loved it. I could hardly keep myself from laughing when I was doing it. From the Business World we looked at that manipulation of the white community in early Australia and the dealing of aboriginal peoples, the way that the goverment twisted and manipulated everyone into think that these people were dirt and that they were doing the right thing by taking half-caste children from there parents. Our last act was a comment on the power play done to Bangladesh and Pakistan during the Bangladeshi Liberation War in 1975. Which the more I read about it, the more I am totally digusted. Fucking World Leaders. 

So that was my Drama, I also had the senior Fashion Parade. I was modelling Harts Formal Wear. My dress was Royal Blue and really suited me. Thankgod it full length though, no one could see my sprained ankle. The Fashion Parade was so much fun. I loved it. Unfortunately due to wearing high heels for so long with a painful ankle has left me not being able to straighten my legs without a exceptional amount of pain. But I enjoyed every second of it. I will try and get some photos of me up sooner or later. 

That's it for now, I have alot of work to do, so bye-bye, I'll write soon... ish...!

'lo again, 

I write from my new room (which has a window! *sqeee*) I know I was moping before, but this is the first time I have had a window so I am so excited. *does happy dance*

Windows are nice, they give me inspiration, and I can see the stars, words can not describe how much I need to see the stars. I need the moon as well, but the window is not on the same side as the moon (well at least until about three in the morning, lol) I think I might actually be able to write my Season 4 entry, which I actually have a good idea this time, rather than my last time. Just scrapped through.

Hugs to Ama for giving me a good critism to help me improve.

This weekend was a long weekend, I had fri off as well. And ZOMG hugs to Bear because she brought Guitar Hero up + her PSII porterable. So much fun, for jokes we played Freebird on Expert. Lol, can I say total failure? 

I really should unpack, but naahhhh, writing is so much more fun. :D

Next weekend is my Cousin's wedding, (two kids later, lol) Nathen met Michelle ages ago, and she got pregnant, so they were going to get married, but it got called off, she had first child, Cooper. After that, they were going to get married again, but Michelle got pregnant again, with Lauchlan, so wedding was called off again (cause she didnt want to be pregnant and dress... and just generally weddings and pregnancies dont mix) so had Lauchlan, and NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! (howeverly long later) we have wedding!

Scary all my family together (again) *sighs* four bitter family members together NOT GOOD.

See, their mother was not a nice lady. Well she was, but was too preoccupied with themselves, and whenever they get together its like that have to prove who has ended up least like said Mother... and there is a compitetion of whose daughter is the best. I sadly, am not very good at anything. Ziea has prettiest daughter, Aunty Lee has most talented daughter (voice of angel) and then there is me, not good at anything, not prettiest, a very bland face in the crowd... *sighs* I shouldnt be so bitter, but its annoying, I feel like I am letting mum down... I dont want to let her down! See my mum is the excentric one of the family and they dont treat her very well I feel. It makes me quiet angry, when I think about it. So I just really want to do something for her, make her proud. 

Well I am off, bye all. 

Loves, 

Lily.

 Not alot really... tomorrow maybe? simple because there is a tomorrow.

This is my first Journal Entry on this account. 

I used to have a old one, but it was linked to my slightly younger, far more depressing days to which I no longer wish to belong to :D

Its my good friend Ama, who made me re-get a LJ.

So, on this day of days, which surprisingly is actually important day, since it is ANZAC day.

I went to the dawn service, it was beautiful. I saw the enternal flame, it was so awe-inspiring. 

I often wonder if I went to war, what I would be like? Would I freeze up, if faced with death? Could I kill someone? I think I could kill someone, but that might be my epic ladened mind that has always told me I could. Strange really...

On another note I have to move boarding rooms, which has annoyed me, I wouldnt mind it so much, expect we are going to a bigger dorm, and one of the younger grades is coming moving in. And well, it just pisses me off because I am a god-damn senior, I want to be with my grade, to be able to goof off without worrying about some little grade 11 getting annoyed with our late night conversations. Rather short tempered about it actually.

So, thats it for me at the moment. Lest We Forget. 

Remember those that fought so that we could live as we are now. 

Loves,

Lily